I need to save up my wages for a big purchase which means frugality must again enter stage left. There are various strategies for achieving frugality in our lives most involve organisation and lists. But what if you are not a “To-Do List” person? What if you are more creative and free thinking than a linear list of items? How do you compensate?
Well my first decision is to go cash. Take out the lump sum of money I have for groceries for the week, leave the debit card at home and when the purse is empty, no more can be bought.
There is a school of thought that one weekly shop and then apportioning it enables meals to be decided and prepared in advance and therefore saves time and money.
I like to shop like the French used to, and many years ago like our country did. Going forth each day to spot a bargain and pick up the specials and the reduced items. I like to be inspired as to what to cook by what is available in the store. So how to tally traditional bargain hunting methods with a limited budget and limited space?
I have been reading “The birth of thrift” by Jacqueline Percival and it has an abundance of ways to use everyday items in unusual ways. Such as cleaning brown shoes with banana skins and eking out the food budget by giving children less “nice” food and keeping to a plain diet of oatmeal, boiled mutton and squished peas with mashed potato.
Some of the ideas from way back, long ago do not work today because the price of foodstuffs has changed. Cod is no longer the cheapest fish, meat is no longer available in the cheapest cuts and fruit and vegetables are not open to seasonal pricing as much greengrocery items are available all year round.
However it is an interesting read and some of the tales are quite funny. But for the time it talks about which is turn of the century Britain, the most frugal people were the ones who were going hungry to feed their families. Most of them did not have a voice, did not read newspapers and perhaps were not reading at all. They were in the main women, who worked full time along with their husbands and sometimes their children. Migrant workers who travelled the country picking the vegetables and fruit for the more well off whilst making appealing dishes like potato skin stew!
The flu epidemic and the first world war laid waste to many lives in Britain, almost all families were touched by tragedy.
And then there was the great depression of the 1930’s. It is understandable how depressing tales of life in the future could be seen as prophetic rather than fiction. Following that was the second world war. And we had anti-heroes, we had ordinary people who had lived half a century of crap and had enough.
When Winston Smith hurries along to his grey flat as the clock struck thirteen is mixing so many metaphors for the future, for the present and for the past. We today don’t in the majority of towns have clocks that chime the hour. What a clock with 24 hours on a normal dial would look like is beyond our thoughts because we got digital and now we have the 24 hour clock but it is just numbers no dial face. Smith is the most common name in Britain and Winston was the great hero of the hour, the prime minister of Britain who (you would think singlehanded) won the war with Germany. In one sentence a book turns the world on its head.
But does it turn the ordinary person’s head at all?
When you are full of drudgery and greyness how do you see the daisies appearing in the dust in the street?
How do you see hope?
How do you see any kind of future that is not bleak?
That is what happened to my maternal grandparents, ground down by too many bad things in their life they turned away from places of comfort and began a journey together that involved much frugality but little or no joy. They stopped attending services at their church and although would profess to be Christian, their lives were not lived out that way.
So now today as I embark on another adventure in frugality, I do it with purpose, I do it with perseverance but firstly and most importantly I do it joyfully.
I live debt free in personal jubilee, I owe nothing and nobody owes me anything. I don’t lend anything expecting it back and I try to look after anything I borrow so it goes back in the same condition it appeared.
There are so many ways I will tighten the belt, less meat, more veg, cheapest carbs available, make everything from scratch and make each meal as tasty and appealing as possible. I am hoping to achieve my financial goal at Easter so it ties in kind of with Lent, not by design.
But as it does. Here is my first choice. Buy a pancake mix and add milk and egg to it. Or. Four ounces of flour, pinch of salt, 1 egg, some milk till runny. My grandparent might not have had much joy in their lives but they taught me recipes off by heart and so it gives me freedom, once the ratio is known the added ingredients can be changed. So make it thicker and add some cream of tartar and bicarb to make scotch pancakes. Use scotch pancake mix in bigger frying pan to make American pancakes. Or add yeast and make pikelets or crumpets. So I will make pancakes with sausages for the boys and veggie curry left over from tonight for me.
How do you prepare for Lent?
Do you prepare for Lent?
Try this:
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)
Is it possible to be frugal with our words, so that only healthy things are said, things that encourage, things that help, things that build up?
This week I had a phone conversation which went along the lines
“I am sorry I ……”
“Didn’t even register, oh but I’m sorry ……”
“No problem, whatever, I was in two ….”
“well now we’ve got that out of the way …..”
As this is a regular thing I was tempted to say “As you don’t take offence easily and neither do I will we agree to only mention situations when we are offended”
Why do we take offence? What is it in us that thinks we should be allowed to be offended?
I have a friend, a dear sister in Christ, a self described gatherer, bringing people to know Jesus, a total evangelist, a brilliantly quirky wonderful human being. Her speciality is bringing people from the “Church of the Offended” (her phrase that I love) into mainstream church. People are offended by people.
A brother wronged is more unyielding than a fortifiedcity; disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel. Prov18:19NIV
A brother who has been hurt in his spirit is harder to be won than a strong city, and arguing is like the iron gates of a king’s house. Proverbs 18:19 (NLV)So all these people who used to attend church or engage in fellowship are adrift without that unity and commonality. Some people love to be offended, it gives them something to talk about, regurgitate ad nauseum, giving them something to in self to focus on. I have spent a lifetime apologising for when I think I have caused offence. One of my poems “Motormouth” is about such an occasion, though often as in the opening conversation no offence was taken. My favourite one from this year was “You really hurt me.””Really, when? how?””I don’t remember, but I was hurt”Nowt like being specific. It was in this conversation I realised we have a goal of not offending but we are going to offend because we don’t know what is going on in another person’s heart or mind. So how do we dovetail that with:
32 Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God— 1 Cor 10:32 (NIV)
31-33So eat your meals heartily, not worrying about what others say about you—you’re eating to God’s glory, after all, not to please them. As a matter of fact, do everything that way, heartily and freely to God’s glory. At the same time, don’t be callous in your exercise of freedom, thoughtlessly stepping on the toes of those who aren’t as free as you are. I try my best to be considerate of everyone’s feelings in all these matters; I hope you will be, too. 1 Corinthians 10:32 (MSG)
So we are called not to give offence to either those in the church, those outside the church or to the church itself. BUT we are to live giving glory to God. I love the way the Message puts it because it talks about freedom and people who aren’t as free. And I feel so free, a new kind of free, a free that comes only from Christ. We are also charges with not taking offence and there’s a whole bunch of scripture both OT and NT to back this up. Remember Jesus, He didn’t get offended when His neighbours tried to push Him off a cliff, when Peter denied Him, when Judas betrayed Him, when the soldiers drew lots on His clothes, when the disciples didn’t recognise Him, when the world we live in doesn’t get the incredible, wonderful thing He did when He came not only to live with us, as one of us, but He died for us, He was tortured for us and a lot more BUT He didn’t get offended. He didn’t get offended that the human race killed Him and yet we get offended because (random thought) someone sits in our seat!
Dr Dale A Robins on http://www.victorious.org/leavechu.htm says:Don’t leave a church because your feelings got hurt. — Hurt feelings are a “violation of self interests” and are usually a result of being too self-sensitive. In any church or gathering of people there may be many offensive things said or done, mostly unintended, but you don’t have to let yourself become offended. Those who are easily offended may simply be immature, too self-centered, or may retain self-sensitivities due to past, festering wounds. Hurt feelings are probably the greatest reason why people leave churches, but deepening your roots in Christ and His word can immunize you against such tenderness. “Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them” (Psalm 119:165 KJV).So how do we not get offended:By simply repeating “It’s not about me!”The reason we join a church, or fellowship gathering, is not for us. Our one simple purpose of being in church is to worship the Lord and give Him glory. We get so much more from being in church than without church BUT “It’s not about you or me” and once we learn to cling to that we don’t get offended.Just to be sure I am not seen as abnormal – here’s a list of the things that offended me this year:
the post office worker that needed photo id when four other employees told her who Ross was – like he has a driving license (Ross is blind)
the person who used the “N” word on my land – what in us did they see that would make them think my children had that in their vocabulary, pleased with their response – said nothing with the person still there but each came to me quietly and talked about it.
the shop assistant in S—- J— who thought I couldn’t afford their clothes – see Pretty Woman – bags
Not a long list, and all have gone, no harbouring here, I want a heart free from bitterness, a softened heart with my God living in it filled with compassion for all.
And just to be sure, if you recognise yourself in here, I apologise – I do not mean to cause offence! I really, really don’t!
Is it possible that through what comes out of your mouth, what you have done or the way you act based on your thought processes that you have become a hazard to those around you?
Why do I ask this?
A couple of weeks ago I got really angry. Somebody was being treated unfairly and because I loved this person and felt powerless to stop the unfairness I became angry. It is so long since I have felt this fury within me that I didn’t know what to do with it.
On reflection, I remember what I used to do but that is with hindsight. And lots of notes to myself:
Knead dough
Go for a run
Play rugby or football
Get physical but not personal
Spring clean
Weed
Kneading dough, baking bread is one of the most satisfying occupations. In the UK, in some churches they have bread making classes as an outreach. This is not just about all the scripture we can talk about whilst baking bread but in the making of the bread therapeutic bashing is allowed. In my past life many an actual skull has been saved by thumping a piece of dough.
Physical activity of any kind has brought me from angry to accomplished. There is nothing quite like reaching the top of Torc, or getting through a gruelling football training session to get rid of all vilent anger.
Weeding in the garden, that sense of satisfaction when each weed is brutally killed, or spring cleaning a room or an entire house.
All of these activities expend energy and breathing becomes laboured, deep lung filling breathing and with each breath the anger dissipates a little.
But I had forgotten all of these. And I was angry. Knowing you are angry but also knowing your thoughts, words and deeds must be well seasoned. I suddenly understood what someone once told me about Christians and depression. We are taught not to be angry, we are encouraged to live in faith and the fruit of the Spirit are evidence seen in our lives.
Anger is not a fruit of the Spirit. Therefore should we have it? Well yes, anger is a human emotion but what we do with it that sets us apart. So I stopped talking as much, one word where ten or twenty would have been there. The number of times I had to turn immediately back to people and say I was sorry, it was not them, I didn’t mean what I said or I did mean it but not so vociferously.
So there I was a person who people consider mature, acting like a child, but knowing it was wrong and saying sorry a lot. I had a dream in the middle of this chaos, involving death, family and letting go or cosseting. I let go of my anger, I gave it to Jesus to look after for me for a while. He took my toxicity and made me healthy again.
When a tree is damaged either by some kind of disease or weather conditions it becomes a hazard. There is no accounting for which trees will be hazards and which will continue to thrive. Really old trees with massive root systems have been floored in Kerry during our recent storms. Whole rows of poplars have gone but in some rows only a few were floored.
Did I ever feel like walking away from God in my anger? No
Did I ever ask him “why me” “why now” ? Yes, many times
Did He answer? Yes
The problem is that us, like trees form a web of roots that weave in and out with others roots. Trees only have a few roots that travel down, most travel outwards forming close knit ties with the next tree. And that’s how some trees are felled. One toxic tree falls and brings others down.
One toxically angry person (me) infects those around me. The problem, the thing that made me seethe in anger has not gone, but my perspective is restored and the anger has dissipated into the ether.
Finally, just like RTE says, “if you have been affected by anything in the above passage there is a number you can call. In other words if I have snapped at you in the last week or so, I sincerely from the bottom of my heart, apologise.”
As a child, did you ever try to be good, I mean really good, the best at being good? I heard a story last week of a young child, who tried his very best to be good. He was the grandson of a pastor and the son of a pastor and he was to sit on a stool through a service. The service was very long and took a break after an hour but in the last minute before the break, the boy got distracted and began playing with his tie. He had been the best at being well behaved for 59 minutes and in the last minute lost the good behaviour badge and was duly punished with a fish slice in the break of service.
I know this can conjure up all kinds of issues for us about children and long services, corporal punishment etc., but the reason I share this tale this morning is because I am focusing on goodness and punishment.
Endure your discipline. God corrects you as a father corrects his children. All children are disciplined by their fathers.
Hebrews 12:7
God is good, God cannot be anything other than good. I heard a worship leader once say God could’ve been bad but he couldn’t. It isn’t possible. Goodness is a character trait of God, it is His personality. He is also the only thing that is good in its purest sense. We use good to describe many things, a meal, a soccer match, the behaviour of our children and the weather to name but a few. Are we wrong to do so?
We are aiming to be Christ-like, so we are aiming to be good. But like the little boy on the stool, we can only maintain goodness for so long before we get distracted. We need our path correcting, how is this achieved? Are we struck down, smote? Perhaps we are, in a way. We are disciplined, corrected or punished appropriately.
Have you ever known someone who seems so tightly coiled; at any moment they could explode or implode? Or someone so hunched over they can barely stand; falling in on themselves? Or someone seemingly average but with a “je ne sais quoi” furtiveness? These people are hiding something, their guilt and shame.
Dealing with guilt and shame from the past is simple… We confess our sin, we are forgiven, we accept that forgiveness, the slate is wiped clean we move on – but in reality, it is so hard because we don’t forgive ourselves, we hold onto the guilt and shame associated with the sin because it is what we know. It pulls us away from God but we are not punished for it, we are guided and encouraged to let it go. It might be a prayer, or a song or a sentence but as soon as begin to explore the forgiveness of self, the bundle of shame and guilt begins to unravel.
Current sin is a different matter, the hidden sin that no one knows about, the cheating wife, the porn obsessed husband, the truanting child. We are to be a pleasing aroma to the Lord, how can we when we have sin in our lives, but we can’t tell anyone because they would judge, but by not telling anyone we are eaten away with guilt. We rationalise the sin, we become more in the world and less of God, ultimately we walk away – unless we are brought to account.
The Spirit convicts us,
Oswald Chambers: “Conviction of sin is one of the rarest things that ever strikes a man [or woman]. It is the threshold of an understanding of God. Jesus Christ said that when the Holy Spirit came He would convict of sin, and when the Holy Spirit rouses the conscience and brings him[or her] into the presence of God, it is not his relationship with men [and women] that bothers him, but his [or her] relationship with God.”
We deceive ourselves of our sin, but we can’t deceive God:
If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us. 1 John 1:8-10
We must aim for the cleanliness and goodliness of Christ, and it isn’t about the fifty-nine minutes it is crucial we take care of those stray minutes when we get distracted, we must feel the conviction of the Spirit within our hearts in order to grow in our love, in our faith of the Lord.
Divine discipline is evidence of divine love
Here are what some commentaries say about this discipline, used in verse Hebrews 12:7
12:5- 8.
The readers also seemed to have forgotten the encouragement found in Proverbs 3:11- 12, which presents divine discipline as an evidence of divine love. Thus they should not lose heart (cf. Heb. 12:3) but should endure hardship hhypomenete, lit., “persevere”; cf. vv. 1- 3) as discipline and regard it as an evidence of sonship, that is, that they are being trained for the glory of the many sons (cf. 2:10 and comments there). All God’s children are subject to His discipline, and in the phrase everyone undergoes discipline the writer for the last time used the Greek metochoi (“companions, sharers”), also used in 1:9; 3:1, 14; 6:4. (Lit., the Gr. reads, “… discipline, of which all have become sharers.”) In speaking of those who are not disciplined and are thus illegitimate children, he was probably thinking of Christians whose disloyalty to the faith resulted in their loss of inheritance (i. e., reward) which is acquired by the many sons and daughters. (In the Roman world, an “illegitimate child” had no inheritance rights.) What such Christians undergo, the author had shown, is severe judgment. On the other hand believers who undergo God’s “discipline” are being prepared by this educational process hpaideia, “discipline,” lit., “child- training”; cf. Eph. 6:4) for millennial reward.
(BKC) Heb 12:5
12:5- 7. This quotation is from Proverbs 3:11- 12 but has many biblical (e. g., Deut 8:5; Ps 94:12) and postbiblical (e. g., *Psalms of Solomon 3:4; 7:3; 8:26; 10:1- 3; 13:9- 10; 14:1- 2; 18:4 Jewish parallels; Philo and some rabbis used Proverbs 3 similarly. In the context of Jewish wisdom literature, discipline was a sign of a father’s love for his children, his concern that they would go in the right way; Jewish teachers felt that God purged the sins of his children by sufferings designed to atone and to produce repentance. Although this writer would deny that any person’s sufferings could have atoning value, except for those of God in the flesh (7:25- 28; cf. Ps 49:7- 9), he undoubtedly agrees that they can help lead one to repentance or to a deeper relationship with God (Ps 119:67, 71, 75).
In the Greek world, the term translated “discipline” (NIV, NASB) was the most basic term for “education” (although this usually included corporal discipline), so the term naturally conveyed the concept of moral instruction. Some philosophers like Seneca also used the image of God disciplining his children for their good, just as Jewish writers did.
(IVP BBC NT) Heb 12:5
We might paraphrase this section: “Do not treat lightly the training of the Lord.” The Greek word for “despise” means “to treat lightly, to disregard” or “to think unimportant.” All too many Christians both then and now, have a blasé attitude about the discipline of the spiritual life. We consider it a holdover from a pietism that we have rejected as narrow and stifling. We are too often like a football team that considers blocking and tackling already learned and unimportant, only to find themselves coming apart in a tough ball game and the score mounting against them with shocking rapidity.
The word translated “chastening,” paideia, has a wider meaning than “chastening” or “punishment.” It also means the training up of a child, teaching, preparation for life, art or science, or an instruction. The main emphasis is upon preparation for life. Chastening or punishment is only a small part of preparation.
In scholarly circles, we ask the question “What is your discipline?” We are not asking, “What is your punishment?” Rather, we want to know, “What field of study or what art are you studying?” The emphasis is upon the learning of a skill, the preparation for a given profession. The same word is used in athletics. Discipline is that process by which we are taught and by which we learn. In flying, we speak of an “air discipline” which stands for an attitude of care and professionalism that refuses to accept sloppy or careless procedures. Instructors inculcate this discipline into their students, knowing that their safety and the safety of their passengers is going to depend on it. In a similar fashion, the writer of this epistle is convinced that his readers’ future solidarity in faith is going to depend upon this teaching of the Lord. Therefore, he is urging them, “Do not treat lightly this training of the Lord. To disregard or look upon it as unimportant is foolish and dangerous. Do you not understand how critical His discipline is?”
God’s motivation for this discipline is His love—love for His people and love for His kingdom. Every believer is a child of God. With that child, God has made a covenant of intimacy. He longs for a full relationship with that child as any good earthly father longs for a full and loving relationship with his child. For a child to fall or fail is agony for the Father. Out of His love, He wishes to ward off such tragedy.
The same is true for His kingdom. He loves His kingdom, and, knowing it is the salvation of all peoples, He wishes it to move ahead toward its goal without dissipation or frustration. Every member of the kingdom who is not performing up to par is a loss for the kingdom.
Not to be disciplined by a father is an indication of a lack of love. It takes energy to discipline. The task is fatiguing. Many a father does not discipline because of the cost. Not to pay that cost is to say to the child, “You are not that important to me. You are not worth it.” He may use busyness as an excuse; he may plead even the demands of the kingdom of God. The result is the same—loveless neglect.
(PrComm)
7 NIV takes the verb “endure” as imperative. This may well be correct, though it could be an indicative. The important thing here is the emphatic position of the words “as discipline” in the Greek sentence. It is not as misery, accident, or the like that Christians should understand suffering but as discipline. God uses it to teach important lessons. It shows that “God is treating you as sons.” The rhetorical question appeals to the universality of fatherly discipline. It was unthinkable to the writer and his readers that a father would not discipline his sons. Perhaps we should notice in passing that while the author clearly sees believers as children of God, he does not specifically call God father (except in a quotation in 1:5; cf. also “the Father of spirits,” v. 9).
(ExBibComm) Heb 12:7
The quotation from Proverbs 3:11- 12 is Solomon’s words to his own son, helping him to handle the troubles and hardships which will come to him. The Septuagint version quoted here speaks of both rebuke and punishment coming from the Lord. Rebuke is verbal correction; punishment (scourging) is designed to make the rebuke unforgettable. Scourging is severe punishment, symbolized by the Roman scourge, a leather whip with metal pieces embedded on the end.
An incident from the Old Testament illustrates this. David was rebuked by the Lord for numbering Israel and was given the choice of three punishments. He wisely let the Lord decide, and undoubtedly experienced the least hurtful of the three, but in the plague God sent, 70,000 Israelites died! (2 Sam 24). That was a lesson David never forgot! But it is important to note that our author insists that such discipline comes from God’s love for those sons he is bringing to glory. Severe discipline only comes to those who have violated great responsibility or who are being trained for tough assignments. Many Christians today have testified that God got their attention only after some severe trial or circumstance came upon them!
I saw cherry blossom yesterday, not once or twice but six times. It was the same bush, I was lost. I wanted to stop and take a photo but was focused on being unlost. It was a lovely reminder as always that Spring is almost here.
One of my favourite arrivals into the garden is the fragile fritillaria meleagris. First of all it is drop dead gorgeousness of it. The delicate chequered purple and traces of white are divinely made (obviously)
BUT
Unlike it’s show off cousin the tulip. The fritillaria:
Holds its head humbly, allowing the wind to move it
Remains the right size for its stem
Its beauty is to be found, it will never show it off
Although the fritillaria is beautiful you must seek it out. A tulip stands proud on a long stem, saying “look at me, aren’t I the pretty one, the most important one, ally yourself with me.” A fritillaria stands in prayer, head bowed, and says “I was made by the Creator for the Creator first and foremost but if you find me you will be loved, because first He loved me”
That proud tulip gets its head blown off in the wind, the fritillaria wafts gently in the breeze.
BUT
The fritillaria knows its place, it knows that if it were to grow tall like the tulip it would die, so it stays where it is and lets the tulips do their thing.
Question:
Better to stay as you are and not try anything new?
Hunker down and let your inner beauty shine?
Or step out in faith, into the breeze and make one more step forward?
There is nothing wrong with staying put, but is it what you were called to do. Stepping out of the boat might seem stupid with all those sharks around but maybe you (or I) just have to.
I went out after the storm a few weeks ago to assess the damage and instead found some wonderful examples of resilience. I was reminded of them last night when doing some admin work.
crocuses amongst the graves
crocuses under the willow
a cabbage white (?) on the drive (?)
The willow determined to grow again after losing a good half of itself
one yew survived…
one needs some tlc
the willow battered and bruised but determined
never know why my roses stay all winter
counting on the buddleia to mask many gardening gaffs (as usual)
Psalm 96
1 Sing a new song to the Eternal; sing in one voice to the Eternal, all the earth. 2 Sing to the Eternal of all the good things He’s done. Bless His name; broadcast the good news of His salvation each and every day. 3 Enlighten the nations to His splendour; describe His wondrous acts to all people. 4 For the Eternal is great indeed and praiseworthy; feared and reverenced above all gods, the True God shall be. 5 For all human-made, lifeless gods are worthless idols, but the Eternal plotted the vast heavens, shaped every last detail. 6 Honour and majesty precede Him; strength and beauty infuse His holy sanctuary.
One of the great themes of Scripture and Psalms is the kingship of God. While lesser kings come and go, God is the One who ultimately rules and reigns over His people, and by extension over the rest of creation. Psalm 96 and others in the collection are often referred to as “enthronement” psalms because they declare boldly and unequivocally that the Eternal is King. There is evidence to suggest that an annual festival at the beginning of the year provided an opportunity to reaffirm the people’s loyalty to the one True God. Psalm 96 calls for new songs to be composed and sung to God and about God as a witness. The enthronement psalms call the world and all its inhabitants to come and recognize His beauty and majesty.
7 Give all credit to the Eternal, families of the world! Credit Him with glory, honour, and strength! 8 Credit Him with the glory worthy of His magnificent name; gather your sacrifice, and present it at His temple. 9 Bow down to the Eternal, adorned in holiness; lay awestruck before Him, trembling, all people of the earth.
10 Shout out to the nations, “The Eternal reigns! Yes, indeed, the world is anchored and will not shake loose. He governs all people with a fair hand.” 11 And so, let the heavens resound in gladness! Let joy be the earth’s rhythm as the sea and all its creatures roar. 12 Let the fields grow in triumph, a grand jubilee for all that live there. Let all the trees of the forest dig in and reach high with songs of joy before the Eternal, 13 For the Eternal is on His way: yes, He is coming to judge the earth. He will set the world right by His standards, and by His faithfulness, He will examine the people.
This is a transcription of the beginning of my thought process at Mahon Falls on 12th March 2014 at about 2.15pm. The out loud conversation stopped because there were other people passing and then I began to pray to God rather than speak out loud to myself. The full story is on another tape and I will transcribe that next. For fullness and to be honest I have put the audio file here too. The heavy breathing is my very unfit form trying to negotiate the path.
“Totally and utterly ill prepared to travel to Mahon Falls. I’ve got high heeled boots on a wee skirt, no coat. Totally ill prepared for the journey which is on little stones, loose stones on a path. I suspect it is a better path now than it used to be. If a hundred years ago I was making this journey my feet would be sinking into mossy, muddy ground.
But it makes me wonder…
Am I ready for this next journey, am I prepared, have I got everything I need for it.
In Timothy it says “Be prepared”
If I was going to school I’d have my pencil case, my pens and my pencils, I’d have my ruler, I’d have my books and I’d have my exercise books or copies. I’m not really sure what I need.
And it’s not because I’m not sure where or what or how God wants me to move. It’s because there’s people.
And I’m not sure. Two things.
Firstly I’m not sure I’m acceptable enough for them. I’m not sure that my lack of Methodist tradition is going to be a hindrance to them. I’m not sure that Irish speakers are going to speak Irish to me and the non-Irish speakers are not going to want me to speak Irish. I’m not sure how to traverse those two traditions. I’m not sure how I fit in with their tradition. I think I might be too different for them. I think I might be just too unacceptable for them.
In recent days I have been talking and writing to people who have been found lacking and I can’t see anything wrong with them. And so if they were not acceptable how could I possibly be acceptable.
Then…
The second point. Is all the changes people are making for me. Telling me that I should act a certain way, telling me that I should play the game, telling me that I should listen to the politics, telling me that I should change the way I dress, change the way I talk, change everything about me. Different people want to change a different aspect of me, and if everybody changed every part of me, there’d be nothing left of me. There’d be nothing left of the creation God made. And I’d just be a cardboard cutout of what other people want me to be. I hear how people in the church no matter what their status (if you want to call it that or position) have messed up. People like to tell me how their particular minister or their lay pastor, or their pastor or their local preacher have upset them and they want me to adapt so they won’t be upset by me.
I am what I am.
The honesty that is me is all I have to offer. The fact that I have nothing else that I can say is belonging to me, I can’t pretend a huge tradition, cos I don’t have it. I can’t pretend to dress how Methodists have always dressed because I haven’t been a Methodist and I can’t afford Jaegar.
What I have is the ability to immediately walk alongside someone, to encourage them, to admonish them, to shepherd them and I didn’t realise but I have been shepherding for over a year now. But just not in a congregation. Or that congregation is world wide and sporadic and small. And I am not trying to get people to think exactly the same way that I think we are all individual we are all unique, we are uniquely made and therefore we think uniquely. That uniqueness though once it is stamped with the tattoo of God we can come together, all differences together.
We preach that all the time, we hear that all the time. So how come it’s not acceptable when you’re going forward. Or is it just people’s perceptions cos no minister’s said this to me. It’s just people.
You have to whiter than white, you have to be above reproach, I get that. And I am living above reproach, I have been doing for some time now.
A number of months ago I was asked what I was doing in my next session leading Children’s Church. I explained, starting with the key theme and scripture and how we were going to extrapolate that using some drama and then expressing what they had learned either through craft or writing or painting. It was up to them.
The person, a lady person, in her mid 40’s, asked if she could come. We laughed. A seed of an idea though was planted. A lot of the people I encounter on a daily basis have not been brought up in church and if they did go, were dragged.
The concept of “Messy Church” covers this, telling basic bible stories and parables so adults and children together learn something of the bible. There are alpha courses and Emmaus for further teaching and yet for all this: I meet people who have been coming to church longer than me who don’t get forgiveness and don’t get grace and mercy and love.
Is Children’s Church about retelling bible stories over and over again in a three-year cycle, or is it about giving them some foundation so they can explore their faith, grow in their faith and take over as leaders of worship, leaders of Children’s Church and youth initiatives?
When I was small going to church was treat, going to a political conference was a chore. Sitting on a stool in a Methodist Class of women, talking about “real stuff” in their lives and encouraging and admonishing each other was a treat, listening to a political argument on trivial matters of no consequence was a chore. However, I was brought up differently, for that time. My Christian friends were not allowed to play with me and committed a sin by doing so (that of not honouring parents.)
Today, I am not that differently brought up compared to the general population which is no longer church going by default of which piece of land they were raised. The church is becoming an optional extra. A friend of mine in the States tweeted the question, “will I go to the gym or church?” The Gym won.
We have to make the church a treat, not so it is vapidly full of emotive music, repeating choruses to encourage fervour, or to make it what people want to hear – “You are doing okay, much better than that guy.” It is to balance the attractional elements with sound basic teaching, extolling without gushing and using language that people today will understand.
So let’s stop making the assumption that people know what grace, mercy, love and forgiveness mean just because we sing and recite ritually. Let’s not try to be clever when someone says they believe in Jesus and say something like, “what do you mean by belief, Satan knew who Jesus was?”
I had another conversation a couple of weeks ago where a person was blaming the government because people didn’t know how to cook and live on a budget. It is easy to blame the government for this and it is easy to blame “Church” for the lack of understanding within the church.
Let’s turn the world upside down and meet people one-to-one, let’s listen to what they know as well as the deficit in understanding, let’s fill that gap. Each one of us, individually live out the authentic life of a Christian, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. It’s not just what Jesus would do, it was what he did. He invited us to his upside-down Kingdom, let’s share that…
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
A long time ago I returned to church, to Jesus, to God. I was embraced by the truly perfect Father and hugged, much like the prodigal son who returns to his father’s house.
There were people around, not all happy about this. A sinner coming into our midst, who didn’t know when to sit or stand. A sinner who sits in our seat, who didn’t know smoking was out. A sinner who in the full assembly of the church changed bit by bit but not fast enough for some.
There were happy people, those who long for their own daughters and sons to come home, grannies and granddads, mums and dads, sisters and brothers.
On Wednesday I heard about a perfect young man who lived a good Christian life, immersed in the life of the church but who had no compassion and little understanding of grace. When he listened of lost sheep, coins, and sons he would bristle – “what about me, Lord?” I journey now with this “perfect” young man and am full of grace for him. But wonder are the churches still full of people like that. The judge-ers, the finger pointers, the ones not like me.
I am catching up, I know when to sit and stand, not to smoke or other vices, sing when we sing and never, nay, never dance. There is true joy and peace in my life and for all the older brothers in the world I pray this for you too.
The parable of the lost son
Luke 15:11-32
11 Jesus continued: ‘There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, “Father, give me my share of the estate.” So he divided his property between them.
13 ‘Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
17 ‘When he came to his senses, he said, “How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.” 20 So he got up and went to his father.
‘But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms round him and kissed him.
21 ‘The son said to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.”
22 ‘But the father said to his servants, “Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.” So they began to celebrate.
25 ‘Meanwhile, the elder son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27 “Your brother has come,” he replied, “and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.”
28 ‘The elder brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29 But he answered his father, “Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!”
31 ‘“My son,” the father said, “you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.”’
Travelling on from Mahon Falls I started a new voice recording that fills in a little of the background of the why and how of my journey to Mahon Falls and what happened there. I didn’t have my map when talking so the abbey is Bridgetown Abbey just outside Castletownroche, not near Tallow.
“So I was travelling towards Waterford but in a very meandering kind of a way. I went to an abbey, I went into Dungarven, and I’d just left and I was meandering along, obviously going too slow for the rest of the traffic. I was going 80 they wanted to go 100. They were not pleased and I saw this sign that said “Mahon Falls” and I thought…
“D’you know let’s go look at a waterfall”
So I did. Now it was 11 kilometres and a few wrong turns of course cos it wouldn’t be me driving if there wasn’t wrong turns and my SatNav was going crazy and eventually, (well I stopped a few times to take photos cos it was just so awesome and beautiful and the red or russet tones on the hillsides,) on the mountains. It was just awesome and there were some sheep who wanted their photo taken. And they were like saying “pick me” and there were some really weird sheep, they were painted red, but all over so they looked like little red sheep. So took some photos of them but from a distance.
I arrived at the car park of Mahon Falls, now I don’t know what I was thinking but I got out of the van expecting I suppose that the waterfall was going to be there, so I was thinking a bit like, Torc, you can park and then a few hundred yards and the waterfall is there. And it wasn’t. And I was a bit cross.
But I thought well I’ll walk to the first rise and I’ll take some photos and that’ll be fine. And as I was walking to the first rise and thinking about all the beautiful things that had happened to me that day. I mean there was a time, I was at the abbey, it is an abbey near Tallow, Bridgewater perhaps?
I was at this abbey, and I was just so, it was just so quiet and I just thought, I just wish and I know I am travelling down to Waterford cos I’m working tomorrow, but wouldn’t it be great if I could have two days. Wouldn’t it be great to have two days. And then I got to Fermoy. Went to Supervalu and got my provisions. So frugality out the window, strawberries, raspberries and celery for the two lunches and bananas, apples, tomatoes and satsumas for dinner.
I was talking to the woman at the checkout and I was saying how that I was travelling down to Waterford because I was working the next day and I was having such a blast getting down there. Because I was taking photos, I was enjoying myself, just soaking in the views, and praying to God and just being still, and not doing … really … The driving, I never count that as doing, it is just a way of travelling whether I am walking or running, or driving it is just a method of moving.
So I got out to the car park at supervalu, and before I’d gone into supervalu, I thought I’d lost my phone, I thought I’d left my phone at home, and I was thinking oh right okay, I’ve left my phone at home, when I get to the hotel, I’ll click onto the wifi and send Sean a quick text message, pick up my phone and look after it for the next days, if anyone wants me, tell them I’m not there.
And so I really thought I’d lost my phone, or left it at home. I looked one more time for my phone. And found it, And I put it back down again, …. and it rang. And it was a number that didn’t tell me who it was, and so I thought well I’ll answer this it might be a delivery guy. And it was Ruth. All apologies, because the clinic is cancelled. I told her I was happy it was cancelled. I am still going to Waterford and I am still going to enjoy myself.
So I find myself at Mahon Falls, And I am walking and thanking God, because, my one dayday, my mini vacation day, had now become a mini retreat. It is just me and God.
And nobody else.
And I need that time because. I am having the collywobbles. And I am not acceptable is coming again. I’m not clean enough is coming again. Why would anybody want me to lead a congregation is coming again.
And so I was thanking God and I was walking, to the first rise, I’m going to take photos, cos I was ill prepared. I was not dressed to go walking. I get to the first top of the rise. And I look down and the waterfall seems ever so far away, but I’ve a zoom camera so I took a zoomed picture.
But I felt called to go to the next rise. And everytime I did this and did it a number of times, I would stop at the top of the rise and I thought I would take a picture here cos, always looking for sermon illustrations and small group illustrations. I’ll take a picture and that’ll do fine. Water cascading down waterfall. But as I got closer, the last rise before I came to the rivery bit. I noticed that some of the water was in the main part of the waterfall was falling differently to the rest. And this started to spur me on. Now bear in mind heeled boots, skirt, not dressed to go across a river. No matter how many stepping stones there are. And when you include my balance issue, – not prepared at all. And expensive camera, very not prepared.
So I got to the first bit of the river. It was stream, it wasn’t a river. But it was water and it was moving and there were stones in it. And I am looking at it and I realised that I never actually go across these things unless someone’s with me in case I can’t back and they have to help me back. I never do them on my own. Even if I was wearing trainers, I would always have someone with me. I can’t do it on my own. I have this fear of getting stuck. Fear of not being able to get back to where I was, and I will climb any stone, any rock, any hill, as long as someone’s with me, who can help me down cos I’m, not very good at getting back down again. My balance goes all over the place, more so when I am coming back down. But these were wee little stepping stones, and I’m thinking will I won’t I?
What will I do? And I looked up at the waterfall and I just couldn’t get the right picture, not matter how much zoom I put on it I couldn’t work out why some of it was slower or different than the rest. So very wobbly, got across the first stream, got a bit further and went across the second stream and the third was a bit of tight squeeze but we managed to do with only a little bit of mud going on the boots and a damp bottom. And got across.
And then the path changed from being a gravelly path to being mud or ground. It would have been dry ground bit been the middle of summer but because it was Spring and we’ve had the wet spell, it was muddy-ish. So I had to tip toe because you can’t walk with high heels in mud, you’d sink so tiptoed and got as close to the waterfall as I possibly could. And then I sat on a stone and I just looked at it. I didn’t take a photo of it. I just looked at it.
Mahon Falls is like a multi layer cascade. At the very top there is a thin channel, where all the water is going at the same speed. And then it goes to the side through another bit and that was out of view at this angle. And then there was the bit, the bit that had been bugging me all along, the bit that I just had to go and look at. And in the middle of the waterfall there was water just pouring down the rock quite slowly and then either side of that there were two channels. One was going very fast and one was going fast. But because I was now so close to the waterfall I could see there were another two smaller waterfalls, or two smaller channels and this water was just doing its own thing.
And then all this water pooled into the bottom, I assume I couldn’t see that, but it all came to the next little fall together again.
And I just thought that – that is like us, we are all made new creations, and that’s the beginning of our journey, we are made new creations, the past is gone. But how we then walk, or how we then travel is different for each of us. Some of us travel fast and some of us travel slow. And some of us go at the side and a different route. But we all come down into a pool that cascades down the same again.
And I think God was telling me that yes, I am different, I don’t have a massive heritage of Methodism within me, I am different. But he still loves me. And he loves me just as much as anybody that is seeped in Methodist history, anybody that knew John Wesley personally, anybody that knew Jesus personally. He loves me the same. And He has a purpose for me.
And so there I was at my waterfall, looking at my waterfall, and because on Friday I was due to have a meeting where I was about to throw the towel in again and say, this is it. I am too different. I am not the same, I can’t, why would I bother fighting, this whatever it is. I am too different, I am unacceptable to the church. I am throwing the towel in before I have even started really this race.
And then I turned around. ..
I had sat there for some time. But eventually I realised I would have to go back up, because every time I had gone down, I was thinking I’ve got to go back up that. And my back, my sciatica was sort of like saying Yes you do! Ow! And I was thinking about the streams, and I was thinking about all the things and how difficult, how more difficult it was going to be to get back. And just how difficult this journey of call had been even to this point.
So I turned around, to head back and there was a rainbow. And today is not a day for rainbows, I have a friend in the States called Charlene and she tells me there can’t be a rainbow there because there is no rain. And I told her to make her own with glass beads in a window. And there was a rainbow for me, there was no rain. There was not a cloud in the sky, today is 9 degrees, and blue sky and absolutely gorgeous. And there was a rainbow.
It was a spectrum, there was no bow. At Mahon Falls there is a curve of mountains, around the falls. The sun was beginning to go behind one of the mountains. It was about quarter to three in the afternoon. And you see, that is the other thing that had happened all day, was I kept catching a glimpse of a spectrum in the sky, but not fully seeing it, just sort of like “I’m there” Just out of the corner of my eye I kept seeing them. And it was very weird. But for the first time I had my camera handy and about to walk I took photos of this spectrum.
I don’t feel the need to prove that I have seen a moonbow, or that I have seen a rainbow on a cloud, but sometimes other people need to know. Sometimes other people need the proof, so I thought right I’ll take this photo. Well I have never had so much trouble taking a photo in all my days. No matter what way I put the camera, Trying to angle it up I couldn’t. It just would not take the photograph of the spectrum. So I have ten photos of mist, and the spectrum that was in the middle of it I don’t think I got it.
And I was crying, I was, water was coming down my face, it wasn’t crying, it was tears of joy. Because every time I get to the point where I throw in the towel, I never actually get to throw in the towel. I get to say I’m going to throw in the towel, I get to verbalise it, I get all the way through to that point but then when the time actually comes for me to actually physically get hold of the towel and throw it on the ground, I get a spectrum. Or I get a rainbow, or in the middle of the night, a moonbow, I get God telling me, that He is with me, this is His will, whatever way it works out, it is His decision,
And I may not be acceptable to the church, I may not, but it is not for me, to throw in the towel.
I must continue on.
Persevere
Keep going
And step out in faith
Just like going across those streams
One step at a time
Cos that’s what He wants me to do.
And I am not going to diss’ Him
So there’ll be no throwing in the towel, on Friday.”
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
I heard blogs being called personal rants this week and it at first just plain irked me but then it made me think about this blog, its purpose and all that writer stuff. It is good to have a think, set out some clear objectives but for this blog that clarity isn’t needed. It is a record of the process of an unChristian writer becoming Christian and continuing to write. It has my entire back catalogue of fiction bar one or two short stories that were corrupted on a disc and bar the ones I won prizes for as a tot. It is about the struggle to grow with the many distractions in my life and it is about this part of the journey and the absolute lack of writing about it because it is too closely held by my heart. It is about a word or a phrase that makes me think, a comment that makes me cry or an aside that makes me laugh, it is about my reaction to what is going on in this pocket of the world but most of all, first and foremost it is my acknowledgement of Jesus Christ as Lord in my life. Everything even writing “a rant” is for His glory not my own. Yearning for row three by the radiator, but driven by a deeper motivation, the root of me, deocentric and it makes sense.
10 “Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed[a] thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.’ 13 But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’ 14 I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.”
Luke 18:10-14
I struggle to find time to do anything else in a day except pray sometimes. I am paralysed by the worldly expectations and so I cocoon, cradle, rock with God.
Is this just me?
Throughout history there are people who would pray and pray and pray. 12% of British adults pray once a day, 49% of Americans pray every day. But do they pray all day. If I were to not pray I would be freed up to do something else but I don’t want that freedom. I just want to kneel and pray.
Sojourner Truth, Corrie Ten Boom, Helen Keller and Christopher Columbus are praying people with a story to tell. But did they pray all day?
He pleads with the Almighty to save the brave and loyal men that are the Continental Army. He begs God for a spell of sun or a hard frost, whatever it takes to make the roads solid and allow the convoys to get through. He inveighs the Divine, the Author of the Universe, to look kindly upon the colonies in their noble battle for freedom. He asks for grace, for compassion, for mercy. He prays that he might yet be victorious. He kneels for a long time, oblivious to the cold and the snow, alone in his solitude, or so he thinks.
George Washington prayed, prayed when he felt led, prayed in awkward places but did he pray all day?
When you get into the minutiae of praying all day there are questions – lots of them… Praying with snacks, breaks, comfort breaks, leg stretches, walking and praying, music etc.
But
What would it look like if today, Ash Wednesday it was spent all day in prayer. Well it might look like the tax collector from Luke 18 or it might look like the Pharisee. Or it possibly could land somewhere in the middle, a bit of earnest prayer and a bit of “look at me praying.”
For many reasons I did not spend Ash Wednesday in prayer but I like many others ducked in and out of a thread of prayer begun when I woke and ended when I returned to bed in the night.
A number of years ago I injured my leg so badly that I was not allowed walk outside of normal moving around; so no training, no running, no walking for fitness, no jumping. I think where I got it wrong and caused the injury to linger so that even now a brisk 4km walk causes pain in my right calf is that in my job I walked 10,000 steps every day. My leg had no chance and I couldn’t afford the expensive treatment to make it heal well.
I am stuck with a leg that hurts, I am used to it so the purpose of me writing about it today is not to do a “poor me” act but to give background to what happened next…
I spent my whole life training outside of work, my kids were all involved in athletics, soccer, football and rugby. We spent our lives outside doing stuff, and I was involved in football and various sports clubs around the area from yoga to boxing. We were a fit family. Sean’s hip was coming against him for the first time so we were like a couple of doddery auld ones and we had nothing to do.
All the things that filled my time were gone and there was a void, there was no timetable, no rushing hither and thither fulfilling obligations and the rushes of adrenaline and endorphins. I began life as a sedentary person and looked to my past, to pursuits I had long discarded and began to write again.
Around the same time I began attending local church services, not to fill the void left by no sport but to fill a bigger void that had been present for a long, long time. I scuttled into church and out. I wasn’t part of the clique of church members and just went to soak in God’s presence for an hour of my life. I had no massive theological knowledge, I knew there was a far off God who came and met me for an hour on a Sunday and if he hung around during the week it was in a Orwellian “Big Brother” style of watching me, I didn’t like to think too much about that.
Fast forward a couple of years and I was part of the church membership, I was involved in this and that and then got more and more involved in the “doing” of church. Also during that time I was transformed by the grace of God, and I, myself got more into the “being” of church and “being” of God and having it in the right order. So the doing was in response to the relationship not some superficial otherwise round.
The closer today came the more uncertain I became. My faith is intact, but I have doubts in my ability to let go of the known and step into the unknown. I am preaching on Thomas in a few weeks and I totally get where he was at. He had faith, he knew Jesus, up close and personal but he had doubts. There is a song called “faith on shifting sands” and I used that as a sermon illustration last year. I have tried to think badly of those I will be leaving in Kerry and it has not worked because I love them to bits. I love their warts, their prickly bits, their downright ugly bits and I love their good character traits also. I love the way they welcomed me, knowing nothing about me, I love the assumptions made about my past (my favourite being – were you a prossie?) I love the way they are still doing that with every stranger and oddity (like me) that walks in, I love the way some of them grow in spurts, others more steadily, others barely at all.
Temporarily I am leaving them, but in the long run I could be leaving them altogether so for me, this is a trial. Can I let go of the apron strings? It is not about whether they can let go of me but if I can let go of them. When I injured my leg I had to give up all training and it hurt, the pain of not being part of the football team absolutely cut me in two. The discipline needed to not run, was a tough lesson and the breaking of rule (and I do) causes such immediate excruciating pain that to not follow the discipline is not good.
For me not to continue testing this call, would not be a good decision, for me not to give it my all, would not be a good decision, for me not to embrace whatever and wherever the Lord is planning for me, would not be a good decision. I must move from comfortable to uncomfortable, it is what is needed.
7 You are my hiding place from every storm of life; you even keep me from getting into trouble! You surround me with songs of victory. 8 I will instruct you (says the Lord) and guide you along the best pathway for your life; I will advise you and watch your progress. Psalm 32:7-8
Faith vs. Doubt
Doubt sees the obstacles. Faith sees the way. Doubt sees the darkest night. Faith sees the day. Doubt dreads to take a step. Faith soars on high. Doubt questions “Who believes”? Faith answers “I”.
William Jett
Faith on Shifting Sands – Caedmon’s Call
Sometimes I believe all the lies So I can do the things I should despise And every day I am swayed By whatever is on my mind
I hear, it all depends on my faith So I’m feeling precarious The only problem I have with these mysteries Is they’re so mysterious
And like a consumer I’ve been thinking If I could just get a bit more More than my 15 minutes of faith Then I’d be secure
My faith is like shifting sand Changed by every wave My faith is like shifting sand So I stand on grace, stand on grace
I’ve begged you for some proof For my Thomas eyes to see Slithering staff, a leprous hand And lions resting lazily
A glimpse of your back-side glory And this soaked altar going ablaze But you know I’ve seen so much I explained it away
My faith is like shifting sand Changed by every wave My faith is like shifting sand So I stand on grace
Waters rose as my doubts reigned My sand-castle faith, it slipped away Found myself standing on your grace It’d been there all the time
My faith is like shifting sand Changed by every wave My faith is like shifting sand So I stand on grace
My faith is like shifting sand Changed by every wave My faith is like shifting sand So I stand on grace, stand on grace
The temporary separation is finished and the way it turned out was not separation as such but an enlarging and joining. Let me try to explain the wondrous work that God has achieved in my life. I have had a year of transformation ( again ) and it has been awesome to watch and be a part of – cos it was happening to me. It was reminiscent of Scotland’s World Cup song when Billy Connolly in incredulity says “and he was passing the ball to me.” I have been so blessed by the community of believers up the country whilst knowing there was a bunch of people praying for me back in Kerry. In one small way, I have been able to join the two together so roll on September and let’s see how that works out. Being transformed over and over means being open to that transformation, letting go of self and embracing Him totally, submitting to His will. I hope that I continue being this open to Him. And so I am back in my home territory but it feels less like home now. It feels more temporary and I think that is how The Lord wants me to think about it, for now. And what of the relationships made up above, it was easier to let them go than home relationships but links were made and love was shared. Some people found it hard to let go of me but having heard from congregations around the country this appears to be normal. They like the ownership of being the church that had a person on placement. And now, what for me? Well, I enter a period of rest. A time of reflection, prayer and regrouping. A time to refresh and renew until the next test. I am more comfortable than I have been about going on and also more comfortable with not going on. I am comfortable resting in the arms of The Lord and His will. Back to Doris Day “Que…..”
We are an insatiable bunch and we want it now. We graze our meals whilst doing something else, be that passive watching television, checking our Facebook posts or something more active like wandering through parks or shopping. When we are hungry we eat, it doesn’t matter what time it is or where we are. We don’t wait for the appointed time anymore. It is rush, rush, rush and now, now, now. Whilst researching for an essay I must write I pondered some time in John Wesley’s journal. I was thinking of his drive or motivation to save many souls. I was thinking of the rules he put on his life and whether if he was transposed to this time which rules would he forego.
I came across these words: Monday, February 8 1768.–I met with a surprising poem, entitled, Choheleth; or, the Preacher. It is a paraphrase, in tolerable verse, on the Book of Ecclesiastes. I really think the author of it (a Turkey Merchant)understands both the difficult expressions and the connection of the whole better than any other either ancient or modern writer whom I have seen. He was at Lisbon during the great earthquake, just then sitting in his nightgown and slippers. Before he could dress himself, part of the house he was in fell and blocked him up. By this means his life was saved, for all who had run out were dashed in pieces by the falling houses.
The poet he refers to was saved during a massive earthquake in Portugal because he did nothing. They died in their nightgowns in the street, he didn’t and at some point in his life he wrote this according to John Wesley. However the two possible authors do not have Turkish names and so we come to one of John’s few failings – he potentially made stuff up to suit an occasion. He was an English Seanchaí or storyteller and added with much artistic license to stories to make them memorable. A mentor of mine once said “Do what it takes to get the message across!” I am not sure he was talking of this much. Yesterday I was in the company of some very beautiful people and I reflected that I no longer felt less than them. I didn’t feel I needed to justify my existence or chosen path. We sat in lush fellowship whilst eating a leisurely meal. There was no instant gratification at that table as we shared and laughed. And I pondered on my story, there is no need to over dramatise it and make it more meaty for remembrance. It is quite a drama and is still unfolding. I have partially updated the poem’s text, adding in some inclusivity as is my wont. The original text had those funny “s” that look like “f” and I learned a new word: refulgent. It means brightly shining. Although I have only transcribed the first few lines it is truly a remarkable piece of work. I encourage you to go read the original with its own commentary at: The Royal Preacher
O vain deluding world, whose largest gifts Thine emptiness betray, like painted clouds, Or watery bubbles, as the vapour flies, Dispersed by lightest blast, so fleet thy joys, And leave no trace behind. This serious truth The Royal Preacher loud proclaimed convinced By sad experience; with a sigh, repeats This mournful theme, that nothing here below Can solid comfort yield: Tis all a scene Of vanity beyond the power of words To express or thought conceive. Let everyone Survey themselves and ask, “What fruit remain Of all their fond pursuits?” “What have we gained By toiling thus for more than Nature’s wants Require?” Why thus with endless projects racked His heated brain, and to the labouring mind Denied repose? Why such expense of time That steals away so fast and never looks back?
Could man his wish obtain, how short that space For its enjoyment. No less transient here The time of his duration, than the things, Thus anxiously pursued. For as the mind, In search of Bliss, fived to no solid point, For ever fluctuates, so our brittle frames In which we glory haste to their decline Nor stable place can find. The human race Drop like autumnal leaves, by Spring revived: One generation from the stage of life Withdrawn, another comes, and this makes room, For that which follows. Mightiest realms decay, Sink by degrees and lo new formed estates Rise from their ruins. Even the earth itself Sole object of our pride, our hopes and fears, Shall have its period, though to man unknown Behold! The sun his orient lustre sheds, Awhile refulgent ; but how soon descends,
Many of the words around separation are related to marriage. Is this a coincidence? No, because it is relational. The opposite of separation is union along with married and attachment amongst others, again because it is about connection.
As Christians, we are first and foremost connected and in relationship with God. All other relationships spring from that, are developed and grown because of that first relationship with God. There is a movement in the relationship with God, a movement towards Him or moving away.
But in the bible kĕriythuwth is divorce (also garash) and separation is badal for the purposes of my understanding of separation as given to me today. Badal is nothing to do with marriage or relationship and synonyms for this word are about dividing and severing. This feels like the right definition.
This afternoon I began my trial badal with my home church. So I am temporarily severed from my church family. I have been preparing for this day for some time and had a trial run to this time last week. Then it felt strange and unappetising, today it feels right. It feels like the right thing to do.
There are many wonderful aspects to this walking forward:
Whilst I am gone, I know I am being held in prayer by my prayer posse.
This is a trial that hopefully if it is God’s will, will be permanent so it is good to test it out.
I can use the time I usually spend on church “stuff” on home and family as well as “adopted” church
Although it feels uncomfortable it does feel the right thing to be doing (which makes no sense)
My chewing gum hating sister gave me new clothes for this episode
Two sisters giving me words this morning, one for now and going forward and one for two weeks time specifically.
New friendships made already and barriers are broken down
An unintended sharing that I threw out as a challenge, if I am honest, but was met in understanding and love.
So already I am learning things, separation can be a good thing. I am looking to nature for inspiration and particularly spider plants and strawberry plants. But yes if you are reading this (and you know who you are) it is like severing the umbilical cord and I am still scared but very excited too, and in an arena where you cannot play this down or pass it off and will have to accept it – THANK YOU!
Don’t you just love a moment of revelation? When something that wasn’t clear before comes into focus and usually comes out of the blue. An unexpected but welcome visitor. Some time ago one of our congregation was sticking up for me against some criticism. I tried to contain them because I was concerned that the criticism was well-founded.
Family
Today I was hugged by people who don’t usually hug, I was kissed by people who don’t usually kiss and I was loved by people as family. My family has extended and I am loved.
I had been preaching on God’s lovingkindness and then received it via the congregation and was given this vision of family. As church when we do family well there is love in the air, in the songs we sing, in the prayers we pray in every aspect of our worship.
Loves infuses us, courses through our veins and then we share that love and more of God’s lovingkindness is seen, shown and felt. I feel so encouraged that we can all come from different places and situations with different personalities but can come together, unified by Christ and worship together, as family, as one big loving family.
There is something very comforting in stroking a cat or a dog. They want more and more until finally satisfied and then fall to sleep whilst still being stroked. Do they realise that we, the strokers, are getting just as much out of the rhythmic pattern of running our fingers through they shiny coats? For me, it helps me de-stress, or cogitate on some matter. Or just to let go of all the troubles of the day, it helps me focus on important things, filtering out the distractions and tapping into my prayer life. When I was younger my ambition was to be a washer up, the rhythmic clatter of pots and pans over a hot steamy sink was a delight because it allowed my mind to go free. Any mechanical, rhythmic craft like knitting or embroidery that requires a certain amount of skill but the letting go to the rhythm frees the mind to mull over events in our lives. Factory piece work, like that of slapping on soles for shoes or driving screws home. All of these offer us the opportunity to realise a different potential inside of us. People have used products like Soma to produce this meditative state but us strokers and knitters know that hallucinogenic drugs are not needed just the slow rhythm of hand on fur, stroking, stroking, stroking. In the last couple of months, I have found myself comfortable in my own skin. It has been an awesome journey to this place of contentment and it has made it all the more urgent within me to go. To keep the skin comfort and go to uncomfortable places, not as a rabbit caught in the headlights but as a striding confident person, who knows her root, and continuously taps into that root. I never understood how a person got comfortable in their own skin and I didn’t know of it at all. Last night someone told me I came back changed, in a good way. I like that concept, that going away for a time of learning and sharing makes growth. It means I am open to that growth and open to people teaching me and open to that teaching. I look back at the hurts of the last year and I laugh at the hurts, I pour love on the hurters and feel comfortable with all the times I kept God’s counsel and my own. A few weeks ago I got deluged with barbed comments but I could see them for what they were, hurting people lashing out. Amazingly this comfortable in skin thing is making me step back comfortably rather than thrusting “me” forward. I have made a few decisions involving other people and using their gifts because letting go completely meant I didn’t have to do everything. That was the old way of doing things. Being comfortable in my own skin sometimes means doing perceptibly nothing but perception is the key. Praying looks a lot like doing nothing but it is the most powerful weapon against barbed comments and hurts. I feel like shouting “bring it on” but I was told a cautionary tale regarding that so I won’t attract the devil to my back. I am taking time to stroke my kitten and puppy, taking time to meditate on God’s word and taking time to be his child, resting and renewing and looking forward in excitement.
My life has got a whole pile of busy in the last few months, the hours I used to spend studying or writing are gone, my mileage has gone through the roof and the horrid nasty person called Stress has entered my realm once more.
However, it has made each quiet moment I get with the Lord even more precious. And quiet is a relative term. How do we make those moments in noisy traffic, supermarkets or the middle of our work? It’s amazing and possible.
And then we get to Sunday and think of all the things we could do: walk the dog, swim, hike, shop, make dinner, meet friends etc. But I love going to church, on the Sundays I have to miss it, I really do miss it. I love that coming together, joining with others and singing, praying, listening to God. I love the fellowship of other Christians and the question of searchers.
I get emails from spas, restaurants, hotels, a whole gamut of junk mail that tell me to treat myself, have a pamper day, enjoy blah blah blah. But when I want to pamper and treat me I spend my time in worship of the Living God. When I give myself in worship, I do it without conditions, I don’t expect anything back in return but I do. Because we have a loving God, we have a God who loves us so much he wants to have a deep personal relationship with each of us.
So I grasp the moments in the busyness of life, I fence off time to devote myself to Him – regardless of what else must be done, prioritising Him above all else. God loves me and works in me day by day helping me love. How can I not love Him?
We are told to love others and for someone coming from no self-love, that’s easy, but loving ourselves that is a whole other drama. But once a week I treat myself and I go to church.
Try it, it might help you in the story of your life.
They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.
Of all the times for my mouth to expel a flippant remark. Today was not the right day. The moment it leapt forth I longed to haul it back in. It was something that had truth in it, it was indeed one way of looking at things, but it was the wrong moment, and the aghast looks and pregnant pause confirmed my fears.
I had been attacked by the virus mouth-itis.
It reminded me of the reasons I wrote the poem “motormouth” and how far I have come since then but today will remain as a “note to self” that I still have a long way to go.
Lord, help me curb my tongue, help me only to speak words you would be pleased with, infuse my body in your love, ooze it from my pores so that when I do flounder and stumble the love is felt before the word tumbles and confuses, hurts or offends. Lord, I know you love me to bits, I know you want me to show that love in all my dealings with people, help me to bite my tongue.
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