A moment of clarity. Everyone else is seeing it.
All the introspection getting ready to give my testimony, well I just reacted by going to default. But they said yes. I was accepted even at my most incoherent.
To be honest, I was looking at me “perform” and I was wondering what garbage was going to come out because it wasn’t what I had prepared.
But that is over finished.
Since then I have preached freely, no constraints, well except time, the shuffling had started, the attention span had waned, so I skipped a couple of minutes and finished early.
I led bible study this morning and again I felt free. I went off script regularly, for some reason pieces of scripture came to me, some of the people shared honestly about their faith or trial or a combination.
I didn’t have a “model” bible studier that I followed but I noticed that the bible studies that come with books, have questions, challenges, points of encouragement and I don’t see that in the local bible studies.
I knew I wanted to break the ice with seekers and new believers, that they have valid points about their own lives without it becoming the pity feast it sometimes becomes. I am searching for a balance between information given (from commentaries and theologians) and asking the questions that pierce.
So in one bible study I asked what was people’s favourite commandment from the OT. Another I asked when was the last time people were aware of Gods grace in their life. At another I asked them to name some backsliders in the bible. Interestingly the last one led people to think of when they were on the precipice of backsliding and share openly.
I am not saying the Suzie way is the right way, but am finding my feet, feeling more confident in my knowledge of scripture.
As I come to the end of my year of giving to the church I look back and see there has been progress. I might not always get the right balance but it is a work in progress. I am more sure of how to word my faith journey so am not struggling with vocabulary.
On Wednesday I was asked to explain two terms for someone, one came up in conversation and the other was from bible study the day before. I don’t want to be in the position where people don’t feel free to ask questions within a bible study if they don’t understand a point. My aims are inclusivity and accessibility, both of myself, the group and God’s word. It wasn’t written so we couldn’t understand. It was written so we could. Not all of it. But the stuff we need to.
I thought I was facing a series of hoops, but this week they changed to brick walls, I changed to “I have gone through enough, this is enough”
So what did God do, he placed people who were in need in my path and I responded to their need. He gave me confidence and strength. He got me back on track.
And they aren’t walls or hoops, they are just assumptions, I need to coherently address them. Knocknaheeny and their like needs me to step up and not step down. I am not a box person I am free in the Spirit, I just need to let it be known.

For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever.

1 Thessalonians 4:16-17 NIV