working title

2012

It was the oddest feeling, it didn’t sit well with me and yet I knew it was there. From a young age, I was encouraged to work, to work hard and not let employers down. Loyalty to employers only secondary to loyalty to family.
But there I was, barely there, functioning but not engaging. No that’s not true, I was engaging and performing but there was an emptiness. I spoke to a good friend about it a few weeks ago and worked out that it wasn’t where I wanted to be.
I had been told I was a “cornerstone,” but it wasn’t the right building for me. It made me lackadaisical.
I approached today differently, I chose to do this thing differently and it is different as a result.
What have I learned?
No matter if I have a heavy heart about something, go at it vigorously, with much enthusiasm ( not in Wesley’s sense of the word ) and with much fullness. It is a necessary task.
Last week I had many God conversations and although it was a good conversation, seed planting and fellowship it was not what was needed in my job.
More conversation with a wise man friend and aiming for balance this week.
It is not my unpaid work that suffers when I get paid for work, I shuffle all that around to suit everyone. It is the time I spend reflecting on this whole process when I stand amazed in His presence of what He wants me to do. It is the time I need to do the stuff, the preparation time, writing, reading, praying. So I cut down on research and spent more time in prayer.
I broke my record. I did 12 in an hour and in between each client I read three chapters of a book on grace by Gayle Haggard. It is teaching me some, but I feel like a voyeur looking in on someone else’s painful journey to forgiveness. There is no new revelation in it about grace, mercy and forgiveness. It is just a human’s tale of that journey. I don’t think I will read any more.
I also tried to balance on a beam and fell off. So like a fool I tried, again and again, each time falling off until I could do it all the way across with some teetering but not actually falling off.
I joke about having the work-life balance, but I have it too much on the life side. I wryly say I have no time to work. If I only had my time I wouldn’t be able to achieve all I do for The Lord with a bucket load of help from him. It really is more him than me.