Why in our eyes?
We tend to look outside to find what is wrong instead of looking within. What is it in me that has caused this situation to develop? Where did I change the way I look at things that I see what is wrong with the situation? To grow I need to find the things I can change in me. Not just the easy things but the hard stuff too. Am I still prickly? Do I still look for the exits on entering a room? Is hugging on someone else’s terms still like having a filling? I could go on but then I would be putting down on paper what my heart yearns for.
Why in our shoes?
For many years I would walk with whatever stones arrived in my shoes, it was uncomfortable but I got used to it. Every now and then I would empty them but it wasn’t a priority. I wasn’t a priority. I was a used dishrag and treated myself as others did. Then I changed my point of view, it was changed for me. I began to see myself as someone who could be loved, and not just by a human but by God Almighty, creator of the universe. I wasn’t left out, I was included in his family, adopted with a place at the table. I began to give more thought to what was good for my body and one of the things I started doing was emptying the pebbles out of my shoes as soon as they arrived. Now though I want to be a bit uncomfortable, I don’t want it easy. I don’t mean to make it hard for myself just for the sake of making it hard, like hermits of old eating beetles or the self flagellating monks. We are called to live uncomfortable lives, to give generously when we have nothing. A little grit in my shoe, a little discomfort reminds me of this.
Why in our heart?
Grit is needed to make pearls, without that titchy bit of dirt no pearl is made. I want to be a pearl, something of value to my God. I know I cannot earn his love, that is given freely so this is not about doing more to gain more love. It is more in response to his love. The love that smashed through all my walls and made me this weak, vulnerable person. It’s exciting and scary all at the same time and I wouldn’t change any of this, but there are horizontal situations I am in that I can do nothing about except be in them, shining his light on them. Looking at them with God glasses not rose coloured glasses.
I feel a stub forming and it scares me, but this time will I let it go? I don’t know. I am a mess of letting go and holding on. More questions than answers. More half formed ideas than complete plans. The roller coaster has just cranked up a notch and I am holding on, ready for the ride but do I have all the necessary documentation? Time will tell, God knows and he will let me know when the time is right.