conflicted

Psalm 73

A psalm of Asaph.

¹ Surely God is good to Israel,
    to those who are pure in heart.

² But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
    I had nearly lost my foothold.

I will attempt to walk up any hill or mountain. I have no problem encountering scree or rocks as I climb up. I have no anxiety about any height. Until I am at the top looking down. I get vertigo, I get dizzy and begin to panic. How will I get down?

I was not always like this but one day I was running a race with a few mates down a hill and we hit a portion of scree. I slid vertically for a few seconds and then for 100m horizontally. I was grazed on two thirds of my body and it took two days to take out all the wee stones and gravel.

I have only remembered this incident recently. And so now I know why I don’t like coming back down from a height. I not only almost lost my foothold. I really did.

To dare is to risk losing your foothold for a moment, not to dare is to risk losing yourself.

Soren Kierkegaard

Even though I know I may fall returning to sea level, it does not stop me traipsing uphill or trying to get down. Psalm 73 begins by sharing with me the concept of God’s love not alone as an attribute of him but how he expresses it to His people. I know god loves me and I bask in it but I am also aware that I could fall from grace very easily if I am not careful.

Taking care not to fall on a hillside, taking care not to fall from grace.

As I take care of my family and friends I am conscious that sometimes it feels like falling down scree because I can no longer touch. I was never a great hugger but I learned to enjoy them.

Whenever I fall down I know somehow I will get back up. Not by my own hand, but in God’s strength.