upsetting the apple cart

A few years ago I attempted something, I have been reflecting on this is recent days because I am on the cusp of embarking on something new: I find pieces of paper and diary entries from back then and I wonder – have I changed much at all?

you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.

1 Peter 2:5

Upsetting the Apple Cart { living uncomfortable lives }

January 31st 2015

I have doubts; horrendously huge bigger than a skyscraper doubts that I have the necessary skills and abilities to handle what is ahead. I write on Saturday the last day of January but it won’t be posted until Friday.

I wanted to write this out, put down my fears on paper and the timing is critical. Tomorrow there will be words spoken that take my focus off my fears and doubts and I will listen to others as they comprehend what the words mean to them personally and corporately. My role as “gap filler” will be in full swing as I encourage others to look on this as a positive.

But for today, actually, for these few minutes my schedule allows, I just want to name them, timing is everything: Tuesday begins the last phase of the process that I have any input into. After Friday there are more meetings but I am not present at them. Knowing my appalling interview technique this is no bad thing!

But by Friday those that are in the interviews will have seen the transformation from me to a wibbly-wobbly puddle of goo with not one thought in my head, and they will have seen it four times at least not including being recalled because of atrocious interview technique.

Am I daunted by the journey and the interviews and all of it? No. I say no quite categorically loud and clear. I am not afraid of the process, I believe the process works, I have seen the people that have come out of the process and out of the college and I believe it is a fair and honest way of dealing with those who feel compelled to test the call to ordained ministry.

Do I have what it takes? Or am I just going through the motions?

J.O. said, “you’ll bring people in but you’ll drive people out too.” I am sure the odd person I would buy their ticket for them but I don’t want to be in a community of sycophants either. I want to be in a group of living stones building each other up as the body of Christ is built up.

I do not want to be in a lukewarm “nice” church where everything is accepted. I want to be in a community of believers who fan the flames of faith, who are on fire in the word of God.

So as I write this I visualise the final meeting on Friday and do I hear “in” or “out”

To be continued…