I write about Stuff

Phew!
I am working my way through a series of sermons on mercy and forgiveness. I spend most of the time writing them in tears.
There is some grief to be worked through. My brain does not always convert it into perfect tears at the perfect time. I usually arrive at meetings with a blotchy face and a nose that perpetually needs a tissue.
What am I grieving?
Well I can’t say. This is my blog. It is my journal. It is where I bare my soul. Yet, there is something so deeply personal in this grief story that I can’t share it.
God is doing something profound within me. Years from now I will look back on this and be grateful. But for now, I feel like my heart is being shredded. Shredded in a remote facility where only the most secure of documents go to be shredded.
I am in pieces. During this 8-month period, my bones are held together by muscles and skin. And of course, lots of gorgeous fat.
I am torn apart like as if a lion has been tearing at me.
I am barely here at all.
And yet through all of this – of putting on the smile, the face, the walk, the talk. I see God.
I ask him a question and he gently caresses me in the answer.
I shout at him and he whispers back.
I scream and toss my body about and he reminds me of the passage about temples and bodies. Just like he did years ago. Anorexia took my appetite away. I wanted to cut, cut, cut.
The tears start again, just when I need to be somewhere else with a jovial smile on my face.

 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them. Genesis 50:20-21

They said to the woman, “We no longer believe just because of what you said; now we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this man really is the Saviour of the world.” John 4:42

“No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” John 8:11

Oh Lord release me from this deep hole.
Release me from my unforgiveness.
Release me from my unmerciful spirit.
I get an image of me in a deep hole. It is deeper than I have ever encountered. But now there’s a trampoline. I imagine what it would be like to fly out of this hole and never stop.