Listening{academic}

26 Mar 2024

1 John 4:19, Adam S. Mc Hugh, Applied Spirituality, Kate Murphy, Kay Lindahl, listening, Lynne M. Baab, Michael Mitton, Paul Tillich, Sherry Turkle

Introduction

Listening is the core of a helping relationship. Tillich[1] states,

“in a person-to-person encounter, love listens. It is its first task to listen.”

Listening can be seen therefore as a loving foundation to the helping relationship.

“We love because first He loved us,[2]”

can be merged into a working concept of listening: ‘we listen lovingly because first He listened to us and loved us’.

A definition of a helping relationship was created by Rogers[3] as

“a relationship in which at least one of the parties intends to promote the growth, development, maturity, or improved functioning of the other.”

Although this has been discussed through the years, the initial definition stands the test of time. Indeed the American Psychological Association[4] maintains Rogers definition as the definition of a helping relationship.

The Role of Listening

Listening is the act of hearing what someone else says and interpreting the message so it can be understood. It can be further defined as giving attention to a sound or action, (Mitton)[5]. Lindahl[6] brings listening into the whole of the helping relationship when they say this,

“Heart communication happens when we slow down, when we quiet down, look and listen. Stop to take a breath. Become fully present with the person we’re with. Listen with all of our being. At this point communication can occur without words. … we are in communion.”

Lindahl[7] in their description of listening considers it as a gift; giving total attention to the one who is speaking. In the world humanity listens all day to the radio, television, relations, people in authority, and all other kinds of hearing. There are very few places on earth where there is not the buzz of activity, whether natural or human-made, which is heard all the time. Deciding to make a conscious effort to listen to someone is therefore counter cultural and as such can be considered a divine appointment. As the secular world slumbers with the drone of distracting noises, the helping relationship occupies a sacred space of attention.

“Choosing to listen to someone else is a decision,”

states Lindahl,[8] which is contrary to the world’s notion of listening. Murphy[9] urges

“Listening is about the experience of being experienced. It’s when someone takes an interest in who you are and what you are doing,”

and in the helping relationship the focus is totally on the person being listened to. McHugh[10] states that

“listening for understanding is slow,”

there are no short cuts to effective listening which is why it is a decision not taken lightly. Building a relationship through the helping process allows that slow simmer of listening, there is no quick fix solution to listening. McHugh[11] suggests that the way a life is lived out is indicative of the way a person listens.

“Listening for understanding … requires your attention, concentration and observational skill.”

There is something, therefore, more to listening than just hearing words coherently.

Mitton[12] created a helpful list of what to listen to;

“Words, silences, thinking, emotions, facial expression and body language.”

Listening is not just an aural activity; it is a whole person activity.

“If God’s self-communication comes in the form of a person, then the nature of our listening must be equally embodied,”

exhorts McHugh.[13]

The whole body of the listener is to be attentive to the whole of the person they are helping. It has been shown that the helping relationship needs effective listening and this can be achieved by making the decision to listen, to grow in that listening skill or gift and by giving the relationship full attention being cognizant of the other aspects of talking than just the words coming from the lips of the person.

Empathetic Listening

The type of listening found in the helping relationship is empathetic listening, also know as therapeutic listening. Empathy is the soul of effective listening. As Brown[14] puts it,

“Empathy is a strange and powerful thing. There is no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of ‘You’re not alone.’”

Listening with empathy is achieved when the self of the listener is put to one side and full whole body attention is given to the person being helped. One of the vital aspects to the role of empathetic listening is honouring the silences.

The Journey of Listening with the Divine

The role of listening in the helping relationship is a journey of listening and understanding.

Purnell[15] helpfully expresses this journeying aspect of listening,

“When you walk with people into the spaces of silence and/or chaos {not knowing} you are walking into the space into which the voice of God breaks in fresh ways.”

The Ignatian tradition of the helping relationship has a third chair in the room for the Holy Spirit to enter into the conversation. When listening to the person, the listener is also paying attention to the Holy Spirit’s prompting and silence allows for this to happen.

Lindahl[16] states,

“… the way we hear something may not be what was actually said, we are on the journey to sacred listening.”

Turkle[17] concurs with this when commenting on a conversation that was had on board a flight,

“It’s suddenly a discovery she’s made as well as I’m making one. So it’s as though we’re both on a journey.”

Baab[18] similarly concludes,

“Holy listening demands vigilance, alertness, openness to others, and the expectation that God will speak through them. Holy listening trusts that the Holy Spirit acts in and through our listening.”

Conclusion

The helping relationship is a journey of discovery and listening is at the core of that journey. Hearing is the first thing humans do before they are born; they hear the muffled sounds through their mother’s wombs. The last thing humans do is to hear what is going on around them as they die. In that life and death listening there is no choice however there is much choice when in a divine encounter of the helping relationship to keep listening at the heart of that relationship. It is a gift and also a skill that needs to be honed with experience. The lavish love of the Divine is shared in the helping relationship when empathetic listening is central to the relationship.

Endnotes

[1] Paul Tillich, Love, Power, And Justice: Ontological Analysis And Ethical Applications (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 1960) 84.

[3] Carl Ransom Rogers, On Becoming A Person: A Therapist’s View Of Psychotherapy (Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 1961) 41.

[4] “helping relationship” https://dictionary.apa.org/helping-relationship accessed November 28th 2022 at 10:10

[5] Michael Mitton, The Wisdom To Listen (Cambridge, UK: Grove Books, 1981) 18.

[6] Kay Lindahl, The Sacred Art Of Listening (Woodstock, VT: SkyLight Paths Publishing, 2002) 24

[7] ibid 8.

[8] Kay Lindahl, Practicing The Sacred Art Of Listening: A Guide To Enrich Your Relationships And Kindle Your Spiritual Life—The Listening Center Workshop (Woodstock, VT: SkyLight Paths Publishing, 2003), 8. https://www.scribd.com/read/317195958/Practicing-the-Sacred-Art-of-Listening-A-Guide-to-Enrich-Your-Relationships-and-Kindle-Your-Spiritual-Life#a_search-menu_779509 accessed 28/11/2022 07:52

[9] Kate Murphy, You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing And Why It Matters (London: Harvill Secker, 2020), 32, Kindle.

[10] Adam S. McHugh, The Listening Life: Embracing Attentiveness In A World Of Distraction (Downers Grove, IL: IVP Books, 2015) 190 https://www.scribd.com/read/377945767/The-Listening-Life-Embracing-Attentiveness-in-a-World-of-Distraction#a_search-menu_318307 accessed 28/11/2022 at 11:14

[11] Ibid 189

[12] Michael Mitton, The Wisdom To Listen. (Cambridge, UK: Grove Books, 1981) 18.

[13] Adam S. McHugh, ibid 89

[14] Brene Brown, Daring Greatly: How The Courage To Be Vulnerable Transforms The Way We Live, Love, Parent And Lead (London, UK: Penguin Random House, 2015) 18 Kindle.

[15] Douglas Purnell, Conversation As Ministry: Stories And Strategies For Confident Caregiving. (Cleveland: The Pilgrim Press, 2003) 74

[16] Kay Lindahl, Practicing The Sacred Art Of Listening: A Guide To Enrich Your Relationships And Kindle Your Spiritual Life—The Listening Center Workshop (Woodstock, VT: SkyLight Paths Publishing, 2003), 17 https://www.scribd.com/read/317195958/Practicing-the-Sacred-Art-of-Listening-A-Guide-to-Enrich-Your-Relationships-and-Kindle-Your-Spiritual-Life# accessed 29/11/2022 at 08:36

[17] Sherry Turkle, “The Flight from Conversation,” New York Times, April 22, 2012.

www.nytimes.com/2012/04/22/opinion/sun-day/the-flight-from-versation.html.tion.html. Accessed 29/11/2022

[18] Lynne M. Baab, Nurturing Hope: Christian Pastoral Care In The Twenty-First Century (Minneapolis, MN: Fortress Press, 2018) 194 https://www.scribd.com/read/383676113/Nurturing-Hope-Christian-Pastoral-Care-in-the-Twenty-First-Century#a_search-menu_796373 Accessed 30/11/2022 at 05:45

Bibliography

APA. “Helping Relationship”. https://dictionary.apa.org/helping-relationship Accessed November 28th 2022 at 10:10

Baab Lynne M. Nurturing Hope: Christian Pastoral Care in the Twenty-First Century. Minneapolis, MN: Fortress Press, 2018.

Brown, Brene. Daring Greatly: How The Courage To Be Vulnerable Transforms The Way We Live, Love, Parent And Lead. London: Penguin Random House, 2015.

Lindahl, Kay. Practicing The Sacred Art Of Listening: A Guide To Enrich Your Relationships And Kindle Your Spiritual Life—The Listening Center Workshop Woodstock, VT: SkyLight Paths Publishing, 2003. https://www.scribd.com/read/317195958/Practicing-the-Sacred-Art-of-Listening-A-Guide-to-Enrich-Your-Relationships-and-Kindle-Your-Spiritual-Life# accessed 29/11/2022 at 08:36.

________ The Sacred Art of Listening. Woodstock, VT: SkyLight Paths Publishing, 2002.

McHugh, Adam S. The Listening Life: Embracing Attentiveness In A World Of Distraction. (Downers Grove, IL, 2015) 190 https://www.scribd.com/read/377945767/The-Listening-Life-Embracing-Attentiveness-in-a-World-of-Distraction#a_search-menu_318307 accessed 28/11/2022 at 11:14.

Mitton, Michael. The Wisdom To Listen. Cambridge, UK: Grove Books, 1981.

Murphy, Kate. You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing And Why It Matters. London: Harvill Secker, 2020.

Rogers, Carl R. On Becoming A Person: A Therapist’s View Of Psychotherapy. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 1961.

Purnell, Douglas. Conversation As Ministry: Stories And Strategies For Confident Caregiving. Cleveland: The Pilgrim Press, 2003.

Tillich, Paul. Love, Power, And Justice: Ontological Analysis And Ethical Applications. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 1960.

Turkle, Sherry. “The Flight From Conversation,” New York Times, April 22, 2012.

www.nytimes.com/2012/04/22/opinion/sun-day/the-flight-from-versation.html.tion.html. Accessed 29/11/2022.